no LOL's NO BULLSHIT

I stole the term drogging....drunk...blogging...freaking amazing right???


I havent had a drink at home alone...since i moved out of my EX's house.OUR home...over 7 months ago.

The kids are sleeping, have been for hours. I indulged on vodka/crans and finished off one bottle of wine that has been glaring at me for entirely to long...there's more calling my name.

and its time

to be honest and real and to be just me..raw..stripped..whatever bubblegum poptart's album name you want to call it...its me.


99.9% of the time. i am happy. I am beyond thrilled with my life now. What I have accomplished, where I have been, where I have come...on my own... I am closer to my family than I have ever been!!! I am a better mother to my 2 boys...than I have ever been. I have the best friends..and the greatest boyfriend I've ever had! I have a job, I love. I have a car, I chose. I have a condo...that people would die to stay in..I have quiet time with my kids..party time with my friends..alone time with the amazing boyfriend..
The cherry on top....???? All these pieces fit together..all my adult life I've waited for the pieces of my life to collide..and I feared the outcome and now....they've collided and EMBRACED!!!I cant tell you what a blessing it is to feel the pieces of my life come together and complete this puzzle i've been left with for so long.I owe a world of gratitude to those that have stuck by me, that experience life with me ,day to day. That is another post...this is about the pain, the past...not this beautiful life that has embraced me now..


because there IS that point 01!!! every now and then it creeps into my life...the hurt, the pain, the shame, the sadness. What happened? What did I do? How did this happen? This is not the life I pictured. I know it's better...I KNOW...but still....i cant deny that last little tip of my heart that wonders, that hurts, that I try to ignore. The glow of my little boys deep blue eyes that makes me wonder, can I do this??? Are they better off? Did I do the right thing? Am I what they really need?
Do we all feel this pain? or is it just me?
And I wallow!! ohhh can I wallow..I can cry and listen to sappy shit and reminise with the best of them..believe you me, I can and I do..



and then.......it hits me.

I DID WHAT I HAD TO. I MADE THE RIGHT CHOICE. I AM HAPPIER. THOSE LITTLE BOYS..WILL BE BETTER OFF. THEY ARE BETTER OFF. THEY ARE HAPPY AND THRIVING AND I DONT DARE MISS ANOTHER SECOND. I TAKE A FEW DEEP BREATHS...LOOK IN THE MIRROR...AND TELL MYSELF..I WILL BE OK. I WILL BE BETTER THAN OK. I AM HAPPY, UNBELIEVABLY HAPPY.....and I CHOOSE to let myself wallow in that to.

and it feels INCREDIBLE

xoxox

h