weeee

I love summer and summer concerts..even better!!! Incubus and Nickelback were amazing!!!!Blink 182 is tonight, DMB hopefully soon, and U2 in Vegas in October!!

Wooooohoooo!!!

The Return to Myself

It's been so long, there is simply to much to catch up on. I'm not even going to try. I'm simply going to share where I am RIGHT NOW.

I have beatiful, thriving children. I have a new job that I am crazy excited about. I am getting a new, amazing apartment and....most importantly...I am in love and even better, I AM loved.

There seems to be a wave of surrealness washing over me. Love, peace, warmth, clarity, courage, radiance, power, beauty....RIGHT NOW in this moment, I have it all.

xo
h

in search of

I need something new, a hobby, a muse...something I can engage in and engulf myself in. I am so tired of writing about the divorce and how crappy it's been and is.
We "celebrated" my year anniversary of leaving 1 year ago by fighting for 3 straight days via text message...badass huh? YUCK.

I'm going to say the one thing you aren't supposed to say. First things first, I love my children and wouldn't trade or hurt them for the world. In my own thoughts, I wish I'd never ever met him, never married him, never gone anywhere near him AND most days I have thoughts that I wish he would somehow magically disappear for good.

enough said...so what's next? Photography? Pilates? Philanthropy? I need something

ouch....thank you

The universe has a weird way of shaking out your life for you, even when you don't know you want it to.

Tons of drama, a huge fight, hurt feelings, egos...there are bruises and scratches and at least one broken heart...and this was with my close friend/roommate! (a chick, don't worry).

It left me stunned, hurt, and alone. I had panic attacks, I cried for hours alone in my car...and I wasn't prepared for the one that would scoop me up, hold me together while I fell apart....he set his feelings aside and just took care of me.

I don't understand the why...but I am forever grateful for that moment in time..and those arms.


xo
h

Emotional Terrorism

This week has been brutal. Alot of crap from my past 2 relationships has come to the surface and it has amazing timing-Mother Nature is visiting to. UGH!!!

It's left me an unstable, sappy, ratard!!! (yes thats RATARD, for those of you that havent seen The Hangover).

When it all comes down to it, both men, are the same men they were when I left. Situations may have changed, they may be full of the right words, but actions still speak louder. The ending of these to relationships, may pain me for a very long time. However, I will be OK.

There are pockets of sunshine in my life that fill me with love and happiness. Moments that take my breath away. Be it snuggling with my kids watching Spongebob, or nights filled with senseless laughter. Chit chats with my girlfriends or passionate encounters and fabulous kisses.

While the terrorists tug at my heartstrings, the universe surrounds me with love and rebuilds those strings stronger and more durable than ever.

Roommate movie review

My roommate and I have decided to spend a little quality time together every other Sunday afternoon ..lunch and a movie..and I thought it would be fun to review it..I missed one...The Propsal..which was a very cute chick flick...but this one...

THIS is the killer
My Sister's Keeper..I don't want to give anything away but if you need a good cry, this is your flick. I literally bawled my face off...tears, rolling down my face, the sniffles..it was sad and beautiful and really made you deal with some tough emotions! What a movie...I wouldn't tae a date..but I would recommend tissues..don't bother with drinks and snacks..we couldnt stop crying long enough to eat or drink!

What a 4th!

A fun party Friday night, breakfast with friends at our favorite spot, a pool party in SLC with some kick ass new friends, and the inkling of butterflies while meeting someone new.

It was pefect, unplanned, and simply put...AMAZING.

I am so relieved that the universe and I finally seem to be on the same page!

The Unknown

This weekend holds a lot of mystery, no plan, nothing I'm anticipating. However, if I can judge it by this summer, so far...it will be amazing.

Adventures, laughter, breath-taking kisses, sunshine, BBQ's by the water, fireworks......


I wish this summer would never end!

soo

There's this boy....with these eyes, and this smile, and the most amazing kiss.
Nothing like making out in the summer air, warmth and tingles caressing every inch of me.
It simply reminds me how much I love this season...

coming soon...concerts at USANA....probably my favorite thing on this planet!!!


*perma-grin*

Bliss

I'm sick, I'm tired, I have to work tonight..and yet I can't help but smile.

This life, this summer.....my kids, my girlfriends,, SOS, the guys, the parties, the trips..already...

This is how it should be. Everyday something new, exciting, fun. Never knowing whats around the corner, it suits me.

I spent a few days dwelling in my "stuff" and letting it marinate until I knew exactly where I

stood again. Thankfully, I still stand where I stood before. Each decision would still be the same

if I were to make it today.

The pain, I would take it all again, a million times to be where I am at now.

Happy Birthday to my Jayden!

My sweet Jayden, 6 years old today! I can hardly believe it. It has been a huge year, a challenging year, one I will never forget!
You took on Kindegarten this year...when you headed out the door for your first day you loudly proclaimd, "Good Morning World!!!!" and at was the attitude you chose to take with you. You loved school and riding the bus. You picked up reading and writing so quickly. I am so proud of you!





You think long and hard about every decision, it only took us 2 hours to find THE batman costume you wanted, but it was worth it in the end. Gotham City should feel much safer with such a stud around
We took time out to be silly. You are always the litte entertainer/joker. There is nothing like your priceless expressions to make me burst into laughter. Thank you for knowing just the right times, to be a little kid!
You are creative, imaginative, and are always coming up with something new or exciting. This particular picture-you told me your pose was the new "style" of pictures. Your wheels are always turning and I love hearing the things you come up with! Grandma said a prayer for you because you were carsick and as soon as you opened your eyes and the sun hit you..you said "Grandma, we should have prayed for sunglasses"

It was a hard year with mom and dad splitting up, but you handled it with grace, like you do everything..well almost everything ;) You were always there to hug me, hold me, tell me not to worry that everything will be just fine. You are years beyond your age, son.

Happy Birthday, Jayden! Can't wait to see what 6 brings us!

Love

Mom

Why I CANT let myself feel...

I have burried all feelings at a depth I didn't think anyone could get to. Locked the pain away, turning it into a dull aching that I can numb with enough self -destruction.
However, I hear things, see things, read things, and suddenly I find myself erupting from the very core. The hurt oozing out of me like hot lava, burning every inch of me as it flows over my pours.

I have never been made to feel so good and so bad, by the same person. Never allowed mysef to continue to be hurt by someone, long after I've cut the cord.
I've never loved and hated someone so much at the same time. Never wanted someone as far away from me as I can get them...and at the same time...long to be in their arms.

You know who you are...and you'll never understand the damage you have done and continue to do. Enjoy your next victim, your sultry bartender, perhaps your next soulmate?????? Parade her around the same friends and same life, that you once paraded me...making me look like a damn fool for perhaps the millionth time in our twisted tale...

take pleasure in knowing that YES i DO fucking care...and yes I DO hurt!

feel better? laugh at that..smile at that...fluff that up and blog it! I hate that I even care.

What happens in Vegas....

For my 27th birthday-my girlfriends and I headed to Sin City! What a freakin trip!! I've never had so much fun in all my life. There is plenty of great stories and memories that will stay in Vegas ;)
I had a great hookup through an old high school friend, to whom I owe, big time! He got is into the most amazing clubs that Vegas has to offer..Playboy, Moon, Ghostbar-all at the Palms, and Cathouse- at Luxor.unbelievable!! I have so many pics it's not even possible to post them all but I will put up a few of my favorites!
The last night we spent rolling down the strip, breathing in the atmosphere, the people, feeling the entire city pulsate through our bodies, absorbing everything....amazing!!!

love you girls! What a weekend!

**update...blogger is being a piece o shite and won't let me upload..but check out facebook and I'll get them here ASAP!

How to Dance In the Rain

How to Dance in the Rain
It was a busy morning, about 8:30, when an elderly gentleman in his 80's, arrived to have stitches removed from his thumb. He said he was in a hurry as he had an appointment at 9:00 am. I took his vital signs and had him take a seat, knowing it would be over an hour before someone would be able to see him. I saw him looking at his watch and decided, since I was not busy with another patient, I would evaluate his wound. On exam, it was well healed, so I talked to one of the doctors, got the needed supplies to remove his sutures and redress his wound. While taking care of his wound, I asked him if he had another doctor's appointment this morning, as he was in such a hurry. The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife. I inquired as to her health. He told me that she had been there for a while and that she was a victim of Alzheimer's Disease. As we talked, I asked if she would be upset if he was a bit late. He replied that she no longer knew who he was, that she had not recognized him in five years now.I was surprised, and asked him, 'And you still go every morning, even though she doesn't know who you are?'He smiled as he patted my hand and said, 'She doesn't know me, but I still know who she is.' I had to hold back tears as he left, I had goose bumps on my arm, and thought, 'That is the kind of love I want in my life.'

True love is neither physical, nor romantic. True love is an acceptance of all that is, has been, will be, and will not be.
The happiest people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the best of everything they have. I hope you share this with someone you care about.

'Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain

--author unknown

now..THIS is exactly the type of love I want in my life, eventually...just not now. I'm simply not ready yet, but when I am...THAT is what I want.

Summer Of Single

So, it's a summer of single, officially.

Here are the rules

1. Until your friend sleeps with a guy he is fair game.

2. You never ditch a fellow SOS'er for a dude...EVER.

3. You can only repeatedly see a man if he has equally or more attracitve friends

4. Use protection

There are rules....lets party...BITCHES!

xo
h

Freedom

There is something to be said for personal freedom..not being tied to someone. Making all of my own decisions, all of my own plans..
upcoming warm weekends full of friends, fun, DRINKS and new guys to meet. I can obviously find joy in these things..however...care button? still off...burried. I will not allow feelings to seep to the surface of me. I will not love and I will not let anyone in.
The walls are up and being reinforced with steel as we speak.

the good side?

I can sit in my underwear, in bed, feeling the cool breeze watching tv all day..texting, and noone CARES!

xoxo

ms h

a twinge of pain

So I ran into a friend of..wow I dont know what to call him....X2..there's the EX which is the ex husband..and now X2..formerly known as SM

ran into said friend said hello...told him X2 and I had broken up..his resonse..

"i didnt know that I am sorry to hear.. I never really knew his status anyways.. he is a good friend but I didnt get much into his personal life. That sucks and I wish you both the very best.. Last I heard he was really into you."

Read the last line again...I felt it like a dagger twisting into my heart, the only thing I've felt in weeks...and all I could do was think...yeah, I thought so to.

I've diagnosed myself

as emotionally unavailable. I know that sounds wretched..but for where I am at in life..I think it is how I need to be. The only people in my life getting any feelings from me are my precious kids. Beyond them, I am DONE with feeling for a good, long time.

I have simply shut that side of me off. A failed marriage, followed immediately by a failed relationship...yuck.throw me overboad!!!

I just want to be single, free, and JUST Heather-for as long as it takes to dare open that box called emotions, that I stashed up on my top shelf, where I have to get a ladder to reach it

xo

h

TEQUILA!!!!

WAY to much Tequila. 5 people...1 gallon..yikes. It was mayhem but it was just what the Dr ordered!
Moment of the night..7 naked kids jumping on the trampoline and all of us "responsible" parents laughing hysterically.

Being lazy and cuddling with your friends all morning, while sipping coffee....PRICELESS.

Broken

Broken is loving someone who lies to you and doesn't care.
Broken is lovng someone who wants everyone to know everything, so he can prove, it's all your fault.
Broken is loving someone who STILL never left his girlfriend, no matter how many times he promised.
Broken is loving someone who critiques everything that you do.
Broken is loving who does not respect who you are or how you do things.
Broken is loving someone who tries to shape you into what they want, instead of loving you for who you are.
Broken is realizing how long I allowed you to make me feel this way-and how I continued to take the blame for it.
THAT is broken.

maybe breaking up with you is my first step towards being fixed?

xo
h

Single again

I'm not going to get into the details..however, I have decided it is best to move on in my life without SM. Cold turkey, completely cut the cord..and one foot in front of the other.

I'm going to focus on my job, my kids, and enjoying the blessed life I do have.
for today....I just got off of work and I'm sleeping!!!

the only constant things in life are CHOICE and CHANGE!

xoxo

h

What a difference!!!

My 2 boys are extremely addicted to the TV and the Wii. I know it is completely my fault for allowing it to get to this point, but it has been sheer survival. Working graves, sometimes its the only time I can sleep is when thy are watching tv. However, mama can't stand it anymore!!
So Saturday I said noooo more!!! I turned it off..and I will admit I said for a week...minus family movies or something like that, something special. For example, SM and I took them to see EARTH yesterday which was magnificent!

I can't believe the difference in my children. They are playing and interacting and imagining...I know it sounds so simple, so DUH..but this is really huge for us!

Because I do need some sleep I've revamped the program and told them we will ease our way into SOME tv..SOME...like they got to watch 2 shows this morning while SM and I had some cuddle/sleep time-but then they turned it off which, for them, is amazing.

We are most definitly a work in progress and I love that!

A Whole New Appreciation

So SM suprised me last week with Starbucks Gift Card, which, if you know me, is about as good as it gets! However I have found myself struggling to use it because of my crazy schedule. I live in a remote, small valley..WITH NO STARBUCKS!!! A horrific sin! I do work downtown though and pass 2 Starbucks _aka.. Mecca's on my way to work..but because of my stupid schedule I"ve had issues. I go to work at 1030pm..SBUX is closed by then and when I get off at 7am..I dont want anymore coffee, I just want sleep!
I've come up with a solution...I've started buying myself breakfast at SBUX and its delicious!!! I had their perfect oatmeal with dried fruit and brown sugar mmmmmmmmmm.
Today I went out on a limb and orderd their spinach, feta cheese, and egg wrap. I loved it.

It has always been a love afair between that quaint little coffee shop and I...but now, the romance has grown to epic proportions. I fear I will not be able to keep myself away!!

xoxo
h

rainy, lazy, saturday

mmm I'm so relaxed and mellow. It's rainy, the kids are quietly playing, SM just left for a day of work..and I very well might not move for the entire day!

SM and I got some great news, we found a house we are going to rent and we are super excited. More room, more flexability..and a place that feels alot more like a home than the condo we're currently in I gave my notice on the condo and we will move into the new place on June 1st! Wooho!!!!


Beyond that, back to work tonight. Back to the madness of crazy people and insane hours! Bring it on!

xoxox
h

The Good, the Bad, and the UGLY!

The Good...
should really be called the great the grand...the fabulous weekend I had with my SM (sexy man) as I've decided to call him from now on! Get out your pen and paper folks..this post is going to be a doozy with abbreviations. SM and I had a nice, peaceful weekend, full of good food, smokin hot sex, wonderful cuddle time..and I hate that the weekend had to end it was back to work and all things "real". ick.

The Bad..
The EX..who, going forward, shall be called FT or FUCKTARD..had the kids. This is hard on any divorced couple I'm sure. Do I love the break? yes! I understand my kids are entitled to a relationship with him to but god its hard to share your kids with someone you cant stand..and it being his visitation is only the beginning

The Ugly
This is a little complicated but try to stay with me.. FT and I had some really good close friends, we spent all our time with them, their kids and our kids are best friends...very close! Well now thier marraige is in shambles and its so sad to see them go through alot of the same shit. Natually, I suppose..the male half of that couple (whom i will name in a minute) and FT are hanging out and comisserating..let me rephrase that in reality..getting together and drinking and bitching and whining. The Female half, who for now im going to call MPF -MY POOR FRIEND..and I have been talking and I've just been trying to encourage her and be there for he while she cries. So to say its caused some tension is to say the least.
I asked FT to please just be very cautious when he has our kids..that they arent hearing things they shouldnt be-he of course blew up at me and told me I was trying to control him and I must still love him and blah blah blah..very typical him
Well this weekend shit hit the fan. The male half of the other couple..who we are going to call LCEUSOS- Lying Cheating Emotoinally Unstable Sack of Shit- apparently has a GIRLFRIEND. Keep in mind, he and his wife, as of current, are living together and shes trying to get him to go to marriage counseling, while he basically calls her every name in the book and goes off to his girlfriend..who we're just going to call HO..for ho or hoe..depending on how you spell it. and yes I'm going to say defend calling her a ho...she KNOWS he is married and doesnt give a shit..just keeps telling him he'll never make it work with his wife anyway
Sooooo... after telling me that he will keep my kids away from all this shit... FT has the kids this weekend along with HIS OWN girlfriend..who we call BF - burger flipper..that one's self explanitory.
Anyway..promises promies about just spending time with the kids etc..and what really happened??
FT and LCEUSOS decide its a great time to get together at the house, have some drinks, play some pool, and hang out with BF and HO...all while my children were there??ohhh and i didnt mention havea freaking sleepover..girlfriends included of course.

My kids know LCEUSOS and MPF very well..they are like family..theyknow they are married and now there he is with some new chick??? WTH???? I know kids have to adjust to shit in life but to me it was ludacris for this to be going on. LCEUSOS and MPF have not seperated, decided on divorce, nada..so he is downright cheating and there is my stupid FT of an ex...having him over for sleepovers with his HO. What the hell is this all saying to my kids? And do any of these ASSHOLES even care????

Now I am stuck fielding questions from a 5 yr old like..

so mommy you grow up and fall in love and then later you dont love that person anymore and find someone new??? Does everybody do that?

SAD..and this mama bear was irate...but I have to give him his stupid time with the kids. I just have to love them when I have them and do everything in my power to not let them grow up to be deuchbags like some of the examples in their lives!!!

ps I cannot spell dooooshbag, dushbag, deuschbag, doshebag...whatever you get the point.

h

a good saying

This is so the saying I needed to come across. To those in my past...good riddance and thank you for what you taught me about you and about myself ;) (and no this is not an angry ex post! )

I'm not sure

where exactly I've been or what I've been doing that has me ignoring Blogland, but I assure you I am back!

I guess the biggest updates are I took my stateboards for my CNA liscence....I dont know how I did yet and I"ve got my fingers crossed that I passed. I'm a procrastinator and I waited until about the last possible second. If I dont' have my liscence by April 29th-I cant work until I do. So the pressure is on some.

Oh and I took my mandatory divorce education class...good ole state of Utah. In Utah if you have kids and you are divorcing, you have to take a class...its mostly just on trying to keep the kids first and to stay on top of their emotional well being Interesting stuff.

the FUN stuff I suppose is I saw Fall Out Boy with my kid sister. Not my bag of chips necessarily but we had a good time and FOB actually was quite impressive I thought. 4 opening acts was to much, but they were pretty good. Ohhhh I suppose the big news for us Utahns was DAVID ARCHULETA was there, hiding up in a box seat trying not to be noticed.

beyond that its tax dayand its snowing...I think its HELL ON EARTH!!!!!! YUCK YUCK YUCK YUCK YUCK!!!!

xoxox
h

It's a Beautiful Day

I feel blessed today. I am overwhelmed with gratitude today..grateful for my life, my kids, my love, my family, the beautiful place where I live.

This week has been tumultuous. the EX FINALLY filed the divorce papers! I am grateful for that to, it is definitly time! I will admit though, having the papers in hand, seeing the finaity of it..was hard to take. Not because I want to go back-but because I cling to a small part of me that feels like a failure. Being 26 and a mom of 2, having a failed marriage, can be a tough pill to swallow. However, I know that I did the right thing and I am clear with where I am at in my life.


The boyfriend and I (he will now be called BF) had a bump in the road and for a time it seemed that maybe we werent going to make it. I have never cried, prayed, or grieved like I did. I finally chose love. I held my hand over my heart and asked mysef over and over what I had, what I wanted, and what I needed-and I saw him in all of thoe answers. I know that I love him and that he loves me. We do all make mistakes and I do believe in forgiveness..and moving forward with purpose. We have redefined our relationship, restated our wants and needs and I think it was good to clear the air.

Something I learned about myself, while I thought I was "being strong"..really I was being bitter and letting my past, affect us...letting it wrap my heart in ice and keep me frigid and downright bitchy.
Finally after alot of tears, alot of talking,alot of time to think, and I'll admit, alot of drinks here and there..we are back on track..
We went out dancing last night and it was a blast! I was feeling it this morning, but looking at the gorgeous day awaiting me, I feel amazing.
I'm gonna go and soak up some sunshine!
xoxox
h

I discovered why little boys leave the toiliet seat up...

Jer wandered into the bathroom this morning to pee, I was still in bed. I heard a loud thud and lots of crying. I sprang out of bed and ran to him.
He was holding his weiner (his word) and jumping all over the place crying OW OW OW IT HURTS IT HURRRRRTS!!!!!!
I kept asking him "what happened?"
and finally he said "I went to pee an the toilet lid came down and smashed me and its your fault for sleeping"

Well hot damn ,I apparenly do Jedi mind tricks in my sleep and OUCH poor kid.

I think he will live but he wont let me give him a bath, or ice it. At his age he cant really be worried about shrinkage, can he?
Watching for a whole new set of blueballs :(

xoxo
h

A great quote!

"Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who don't , and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it." - Harvey Mackay -


and I have to add..."each new day, I have a CHOICE!"
xoxox
h

hmm

most definitly how my heart feels today. Completely and utterly ALONE. As if I could sit up here in my heavenly little condo and die..and noone would even notice. My kids are here but that not what I'm talking about.
I dont know, maybe I"m simply feeling sorry for myself but it's doozy of a day!

A Meme!

1. Are you single? no, happily taken
2. Are your parents still married? Yes 36 or so years now I think
3. Are you in love? yes
4. Do you believe in love at first sight? yes
5. Who ended your last relationship? I did
6. Have you ever been hurt by a break up? yes
7. Have you ever broken someone’s heart? yes
8. Have you ever had a secret admirer? hmmm, not that I'm aware of
9. Prefer love or lust? love
10. Prefer a few best friends or many regular friends? a few best friends
11. Wild night out or romantic night in? night in
12. Back in the day: Been caught sneaking out? no, cause I never did it
13. Ever wanted something/someone so badly it hurt? yes
14. Who are/is your best friend(s)? here-Rach and Chris...in Reno Ali and Niki!
15. Ever wanted to disappear?yep
16. First attraction: Smile or eyes? eys
17. Prefer intelligence or attraction? attraction
18. Last phone call you received? JoAnna
19. Last thing you drank? milk
20. Before your current one, when was your last relationship? the past 7 yrs
21. Do you and your family get along? yes
22. Would you say you have a "screwed up life"? no
23. Have you ever gotten kicked out somewhere? If yes, do tell. Ummm not that I remember
24. Do you trust all your friends? Yes. I recently learned how to open up and trust...ITS NOT EASY!
25. Who knows the most about you? The 4 friends mentioned above

Sheer Blahdom

3:31am

I am at work. Yes, work. I work graveyards as a CNA at an assisted living facility. Most nights..I have to be honest...I freaking love my job.
Most nights I can tell you hilarious stories about crazy dutch ladies punching me in the face, or 4"10' hobbits trying to throw chairs through the window's to get out of the place, OR the insane shit the girls I work with and I come up with..really we should start a whole new blog just about the madness. I think it'd be a smash, look out Perez...old crazy people and young, hilarious, hyper aides? We could take over the world!
Tonight
IS REDICULOUSLY LAME. Absolutely nothing going on here. I've taken aout 15 Facebook quizzes, scoured blogland for new reads (that im excited about)..I've watched some VH1 show..Black to the 80's, followed by Black to the 90's, and of course Black to the new millenium. Is it PC to put a show on about the Black perspective to the decades?
I mean, not trying to ruffle feathers but if I put Whitey's in the 90's...wouldnt I get mugged or shot?
anyway maybe I'll be back if this blahness continues. It's time to take the house dogs outside for a freezing cold pee!

xoxo H

my zen

ok I'm having major technical diffiulties. However there is a video that I want to share, that I am commiting to make myself watch, anytime I start to doubt myself.
Please watch it

xoxox
h


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AMOMgQCRAqM

Mother Nature calls..

and I want to hit ignore!!!

Life is great, fantastic, honestly im happy! But mother nature showed up Friday and she is definitly testing my patience. She's a rediculously rude houseguest. So im going to curl up and do nothing until she leaves!

Thank God that Twilight is out so I have something to get lost in!

xoxo

h

I'm going to whore out my business on the internet!!

I just started working for a new company and I'm uber excited about their newest product that is he next MUST HAVE piece of technology. Check out ACN's digital video phone in the link below, it is amazing!!!

http://www.heathersollis.acnrep.com/c_products_digitalphone.asp?CO_LA=US_EN&BW=LOW


I am so excited for my parents to have this to keep in touch with my brothers family as they move out of state next month! What an amazing way to stay connected!!

ok whoring done!

oxox
h

my favorite holiday ;) (ok ok, maybe 2nd to christmas!)

Like the warmth of the sun and the light of the day,
May the luck of the Irish shine bright on your way.

no LOL's NO BULLSHIT

I stole the term drogging....drunk...blogging...freaking amazing right???


I havent had a drink at home alone...since i moved out of my EX's house.OUR home...over 7 months ago.

The kids are sleeping, have been for hours. I indulged on vodka/crans and finished off one bottle of wine that has been glaring at me for entirely to long...there's more calling my name.

and its time

to be honest and real and to be just me..raw..stripped..whatever bubblegum poptart's album name you want to call it...its me.


99.9% of the time. i am happy. I am beyond thrilled with my life now. What I have accomplished, where I have been, where I have come...on my own... I am closer to my family than I have ever been!!! I am a better mother to my 2 boys...than I have ever been. I have the best friends..and the greatest boyfriend I've ever had! I have a job, I love. I have a car, I chose. I have a condo...that people would die to stay in..I have quiet time with my kids..party time with my friends..alone time with the amazing boyfriend..
The cherry on top....???? All these pieces fit together..all my adult life I've waited for the pieces of my life to collide..and I feared the outcome and now....they've collided and EMBRACED!!!I cant tell you what a blessing it is to feel the pieces of my life come together and complete this puzzle i've been left with for so long.I owe a world of gratitude to those that have stuck by me, that experience life with me ,day to day. That is another post...this is about the pain, the past...not this beautiful life that has embraced me now..


because there IS that point 01!!! every now and then it creeps into my life...the hurt, the pain, the shame, the sadness. What happened? What did I do? How did this happen? This is not the life I pictured. I know it's better...I KNOW...but still....i cant deny that last little tip of my heart that wonders, that hurts, that I try to ignore. The glow of my little boys deep blue eyes that makes me wonder, can I do this??? Are they better off? Did I do the right thing? Am I what they really need?
Do we all feel this pain? or is it just me?
And I wallow!! ohhh can I wallow..I can cry and listen to sappy shit and reminise with the best of them..believe you me, I can and I do..



and then.......it hits me.

I DID WHAT I HAD TO. I MADE THE RIGHT CHOICE. I AM HAPPIER. THOSE LITTLE BOYS..WILL BE BETTER OFF. THEY ARE BETTER OFF. THEY ARE HAPPY AND THRIVING AND I DONT DARE MISS ANOTHER SECOND. I TAKE A FEW DEEP BREATHS...LOOK IN THE MIRROR...AND TELL MYSELF..I WILL BE OK. I WILL BE BETTER THAN OK. I AM HAPPY, UNBELIEVABLY HAPPY.....and I CHOOSE to let myself wallow in that to.

and it feels INCREDIBLE

xoxox

h

updates

**didnt mean for that pic to be so big...do not read into it as my ego taking over my brain...it's currently in a battle with something called my poor self image and is to busy to be concerned with my blog!!

**Henry, the dog is not with us anymore. 1 unpottytrained dog, 2 insane children, a very small condo...made me crazy! but I did find im a good home!

Belated Intro to me and mine

Sorry for my absence, I've been dealing with writers block! So I thought it was high time you see me and those I talk about frequently...for me its always easier to picture who I'm reading about! First of all..Me! This pic was taken last summer when I was in Reno visiting my dear friend Ally! I am sunburned as hell!!! However, it's still one of my favorite pics!

Next up, the kiddos. I have so many cute pics of them of course. It's taken me forever to decide which ones to use...thanks to m BFF Rach (photographer extraordanaire) I have some precious ones that arent blurred, blocked by my finger, or smeared by a lens covered in Peanut Butter! So here's Jayden, he's 5, and Jarret, he's 3.

awwwww precious huh? I know I'm a tad biased but I think they should have been baby Gap models (ohhh trust me I tried, sick huh?).

I'd put up a pic of the new man, I just dont know that he'd like that a whole hell of alot...I guess I'll have to mention that. hmmmm

ok ok so there's us ;) and I finally have some good blogging ideas brewing so stay tuned!

xoxo
h

GIDDY

Chris came up and stayed with me this weekend, in fact he's next to me on his laptop as I'm typing ;) Maybe someday we'll get a guest post from him or something. All I can say about this weekend is complete BLISS. We hung with the kids, we cooked, we cleaned we went dancing! We slept together, slept in..slept with a kid between us (thank god my bed is king size!) We were a completely normal, domestic couple and I loved it!!!!

xo

h

DoubleTime

Last night, I got to work out of a hotel, hang out with my fellow CNA's, eat junk, watch tv, just hang out all night...and I got paid doubletime for it!

sometimes natural disasters (a room caving in) are a fantastic thing!

xoxo

h

ps...here's to dancing toinght! CHEERS!

Why kids are friggin awesome

After working all night 10:30-7am..I pick up the kidlets from the EX I make sure they've gone potty before we leave..cause nothing sucks more that getting them buckled and driving to blocks and hearing "i have to go pottty!!!!!!!"...well ALOMOST nothing.

We were waiting for a friend of mine and Jer, my newest potty master says he has too poop! Now!! so I drive all freakin over trying to find a bathroom..almost 10 minutes later I find a gas station and rush him in there..he tried..kinda..and couldnt go. So Jayden went and we went back to our rendezvous point. We werent there 5 minutes when Jer announced
"I just pooped my pants!"

ARGH!!!
NO WIPES! NOWHERE TO GO! Thank god my friend had kleenex's and bottled water in her car..I macguyvered that shit! I didnt want to carry the poppy clothes in my car..so i was awful and simply threw them in the closest garbage dumpster!

When the past collides with your future, it must be the present.

How do we go into a new relationship and not carry the baggage from the last one over?



I was almost 8 years in with Justin (the ex). I've known him since I was 18. It was a whirlwind (read LDS) engagement and before I knew it I'd left Ricks College (read now, BYU-Idaho) with my MRS. degree and I thought I had life completely figured out.

7 years later and a pending divorce, there's alot I've learned. Some important stuff mixed in with trivial things like

*the game of football actually makes sense to me now-there's a life skill I NEED.

*Men love to talk about their shits. Seriously? I don't want to come look at it!!!



and I could probably go on if I thought hard enough about it. That's not why I'm here.

As I venture into a new love..I'm terrified of pinning Chris to the wall for things --that are fears, insecurities, or defenses from my old relationship. I find myself expecting him to react the same ways Justin would have, which isn't fair at all.



One thing I had to admit to myself was this. I am in the first romantic, ADULT, relationship of my life. I was a kid when I met Justin and we very much stayed in that space. Now, I know who I am and what I want. I have found someone that fufills those things and amazes me more and more each day.
Face it, I'm a goner. AND IM LOVING IT!!!

xoxox

h

just blah

I dont normally like to bitch on my blog..and I have alot to be grateful for..so I'm going to do a bit of both.

Bitch

the ex...I hate dealing with him. I hate that we have to talk to work things out.. GRRRRRR

I am on about 2 hours of sleep and my period started, so I'm certainly no ray of sunshine at the moment!! Not to mention, I'm not lookin so hot.

2 crazy kids + 1 new puppy+ small condo with no yard= utter chaos!!


However...
I have a wonderful, supportive, boyfriend. A family that is bending over backwards to help me whenever I need it and fantastic friends.

Life really will be ok! I am creating peace, love, and safety!!

xoxo
h

note to the internets

....not my orange carpet below! just FYI!

Sleepy Saturday Morning

It was Chris's birthday yesterday so we dropped the kids with my parents and headed out to go dancing! We had a great time hanging with friends. It was a long drive home and a late night after that ;) mmmm Happy Birthday and love you baby! xo

We got a new dog yesterday, Henry, I'll post a pic, he's an adorable beagle. He's so well behaved, its the kids that drive me nuts, they wont leave him alone!!!

Ah well..what can you do but enjoy?

The whirlwind so far

I'm going to try to bring you up to speed, without boring or loosing you...so lets begin.

Left my husband in July, just now getting the divorce going..it's a long story, you don't wanna know, just trust it's a good thing! So send the congratulations, not the condolences.

Decided to go back to work, out of sheer necessity. Back to school, got my CNA!

New Job-graveyard CNA-not the most desired schedule but its great for my kids. They sleep at the grandparents. I get to tuck them in and am there to wake them up.

New Condo-it's freakin amazing,

New Car-2009 Hyundai Sonata

The most important...The New Man- Chris. Absolutely amazing. I'm falling more deliriously in love every day. Our story is just beginning and I'm so excited.

The things that have stuck...my 2 precocious, precious little boys. Jayden who's 5 & 1/2, and Jarret who is 3 &1/2.

Alot going on, but I am excited for the journey and to share it!

(whew, that wasnt so bad now was it)

xo

h